Mungkin judul tulisan ini adalah respon paling lumrah yang akan kalian dengar saat meminta siapapun untuk menggambarkan tahun 2020. Aku, tidak terkecuali.
Masih jelas di ingatanku ketika pertama kali kasus positif diumumkan di tanah air. Tidak ada yang benar-benar peduli saat itu. Tidak para penguasa negeri ini, pun aku yang tepat di hari yang sama genap berusia 25 tahun. Siapa yang menyangka bahwa kelak hari itu akan diingat sebagai awal mula hidup penuh keresahan yang harus dijalani sepanjang sisa tahun -bahkan setelahnya.
Mereka yang mengenalku cukup dekat mungkin tau bahwa jauh sebelum semua ini pun aku tidak pernah menyukai bulan Maret, lebih tepatnya hari kedua di bulan tersebut. Tapi kedepannya, kurasa bukan cuma aku yang akan mengingatnya sebagai hari yang menyebalkan. Is that something I should happy about? -to be perfectly honest, I'm not sure.
Life itself is pretty funny when you realize how absurd it can be.-Ray Stevenson
Life is absurd as it is. That is one thing in life I'm sure of. The absolute free will is nonsense. We -insignificant stardust in this mesh of universe- will never have such a thing. The only free will that I still believe we have is the freedom to choose our perspective.
Lots of things happened throughout the year, internally. I experienced feelings and things I've never had before. 2020 was the first time I dealt with a serious health problem, I refused to go home to my family and insisted on taking care of myself. It wasn't Covid but still, I couldn't take the risk of bringing any virus home. It was tough indeed spending Lebaran day alone when you're in bad shape, physically and mentally. Thank God I managed to heal after months of grueling treatment. At least I could focus all my energies on healing another aspect of my life. I know I sound like a problematic person, don't I? LOL
However, I'd be remiss if I said 2020 was all bad. I can't say that I've gained different perspectives on the world and humanity, but I can feel those events changed me somewhere deep inside in ways I didn't understand when I was younger -I began seeing the world differently.
I decided to cut myself off social media and started learning to listen to myself, recognize my feelings, and befriend them, seeing them in their entirety. It's still a long way to go but I believe it's a good step in the right direction.
Last but not least, untuk tahun 2021 dan (si)apapun yang menanti di depan sana, here I come.
Love,
a 2020 survivor.
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